Outrageous excuses for being late to work

Here are 12 of the most outrageous excuses employees have heard for being late to work:

1. My heat was shut off so I had to stay home to keep my snake warm.
2. My husband thinks it's funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.
3. I walked into a spider web on the way out the door and couldn't find the spider, so I had to go inside and shower again.
4. I got locked in my trunk by my son.
5. My left turn signal was out so I had to make all right turns to get to work.
6. A gurney fell out of an ambulance and delayed traffic.
7. I was attacked by a raccoon and had to stop by the hospital to make sure it wasn't rabid.
8. I feel like I'm in everyone's way if I show up on time.
9. My father didn't wake me up.
10. A groundhog bit my bike tire and made it flat.
11. My driveway washed away in the rain last night.
12. I had to go to bingo.

The people who gave these excuses are amateurs. The losers I work with have them beat, now they can come up with some creative excuses. How about these (and they are all from the same two people & they are women and hypochondriac's):

* My dog ate my bird
* I have to take my rabbits to the vet because maggots are eating their testicles
* I can't get off the can, the dog and I took a sh** together
* I took the wrong exit and got lost because I was counting road kill
* The animals and I have had breakfast, I'm going to get ready to come in. Coffee has finally cleared most of the drug fogginess. See you about noon (then didn't show up till 3).
* I woke up thinking it was Saturday.
* Muscle relaxants and ice don't mix. Still foggy from meds, the car is a block away, uphill and probably coated with as much ice as everything else. Stairs have a railing to hang onto when I'm this foggy. Sidewalks don't.
*I hurt all over, from massive headache down to tight, painful tendons in my feet.
* My right elbow hurts so bad, the thought of shifting gears hurts.
* Having the usual intestinal problems this morning, I didn't know I had this much sh** it me!
* Just woke up (11:23am) due to having very strange drug induced dreams all night.
* Just woke up (10:02am) it is an "everything hurts" morning going to take a pill and aim for noon
* Woke with a headache. Didn't know I had it until I opened back door for dog and bright light hit my eyes. Be in about 11:30, should be able to keep my eyes open by then.
* Just took another percocet, moved to much and am hurting.

And those are just a sample, I have a whole notebook of them of more of the same.